No, it seems you can’t help me.

In an effort to not have more tube based barrier angst I thought it might be a good idea to call up my credit card people and do something about this stupid card thing.

So I call up the number on the back of the card and listen to some pleasant ringing for a few seconds before being funnelled into a web of pre-recorded messages, jab 5 for a new face, hammer 2 for some bailiffs to show up at 3am, that kind of thing.

After much jabbing and stabbing of the phones keypad and a period of awful hold music being blasted into my ear I get through to some Indian sounding chap, who, for security, accused me of being 60 something and then gauged the level of my outrage to see if I was really me or not, luckily I am me and the call progressed.

Indian Chap: How can I help you today sir?
Card user: Oh hi, well I recently got a new credit card in the post that comes with a snazzy new thing called Pay Pass. Unfortunately this is causing me some trouble with other cards I have, is it possible to request one without this function in it?
Indian Chap: Ok sir I’ll just have to put you through to the right department to deal with that.

We then enter into the second period of hold music, although it’s got worse, joy. There really should be some international moratorium of this sort of thing, they already have bloody keypad menus why not put them to good use?

Welcome to On Hold Radio, Press 1 for filthy minimal tech house, press 2 for Bavarian Ompa bands, Press 3 for Mongolian throat singers, press 4 to have you ear drums ruptured by soulless teen pop wailing… And so on. Alas this was not there so suffer I had to.

Scottish wench: Hello sir how can I help you?
Card User: Oh hello, I got a new card from you recently and it’s got pay pass in it, however I don’t really want pay pass as it’s causing trouble with other cards, is it possible to send me one without it?
Scottish Wench: I’ll just put you through to the right department
Irate Card user: I just got put through to you as the right department….

Hold music…

Confused but very polite sounding Lady: Hello!
Slight sinking feeling card user: Hi, I have a pay pass Barclaycard…
Confused but very polite sounding Lady: Ok, I’m not sure what that is…
Clearly listing card user: You’re not customer services are you.
Confused but very polite sounding Lady: No, I can put you thorough though if you like!
Sunk card user: It’s ok, I’ll try later, thanks anyway.

So I wait till lunch and call again.

Ring ring
Jab jab jab.
Indian person: Hello, *pointless security question*, how can I help?
Ever angrier card user: I want a card with out pay pass please.
Indian person: I’ll just put you trough!
Scottish person: hello can I help?
Ever more furious card user: New card me, this one is teh bobbins.
Irn Bru swilling Scottish “help” operative: Sorry we can’t help with that, you’ll need to call Barclaycard;
Ever more apoplectic card user: I did, they put me through to you.
Fried pizza consuming Scottish lout: Well nothing I can do here, dial 0844 911…
Incandescent card user: That’s the number I used to get to you… Oh forget it.

I try again, the exact same thing happened, I even threatened Indian Guy with a thoroughly non enforceable “it better be the right department!” but to no joy. In fact I think it made it worse as he sent me through to a total “all cards have that these days sir” hag.

Sadly, when I asked to close me account at once as a result of this outrage, the hag tried to insist that I pay the outstanding balance before doing so, this was the most despicable thing about the whole episode, how dare they demand MY money when it’s THEM that has slightly inconvenienced me a few times in the last week, I mean REALLY! I’ve a good mind to invoke anti-TERROR legislation against them and seize all their assets.

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