Do you have a deathwish.

“HAVE ANY VIDEO’S” blared the clearly deranged man almost running into the charity shop I was perusing books in.

Bulgarian Shop assistant: “Yes over there”
SS Officer: “WHERE”
Bulgarian Shop assistant: “Over there”.

He finally spies them, withdraws a pair of specs that remind me of the kind worn by Major Arnold Ernst Toht, the SS officer from Raiders of the Lost Ark with the nasty hand burn. Wandering acorss, he yells back to the girl on the counter:

SS Officer: “ANY OTHER CHARITY SHOPS DOWN THIS WAY?”
Bulgarian Shop assistant: “Yes there are a few a bit further down the road, although I am not sure if they are open”
SS Officer: “WHICH SIDE?”
Bulgarian Shop assistant: “There are a few on each side”
SS Officer: “FAR?”
Bulgarian Shop assistant: “No not very”.

At this point I am wondering what the hell he’s after in such a fashion, maybe he’s heard tell of a first edition copy of Star Wars worth a fortune? Perhaps a rare montage of Queen’s speech outtakes where she’s gotten too pissed on port to continue?

Well it’s soon apparent that it’s not these things that he covets. As he barges some poor man, thumbing through the records, out of the way we learn the truth as he yells to no one in particular – “LOOKING FOR DEATHWISH 5”…

DEATHWISH…. 5…. what the Fucking Mc. Fuck? This is a film that rates a massive 3.6 in imdb, I’ve not seen it, but I’ve seen 1, maybe 2, who knows maybe even 3 when so hungover I was unable to jab at the remote forcefully enough to change the channel but FIVE? You’re kidding me. This must be one of the worst films ever transferred to video, why on earth would you a) be so desperate to get hold of it, but, b) refuse to use a real shop.

I’m actually enraged by his desperation, he could be at home watching something better, for free, and not out annoying me whilst I quietly shopped. Why, at the very time he was trying to source this rot, he could have been at home watching Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach…

He does not find Deathwish 5, he leaves disappointed.

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